ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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