Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We need a shit load of segways right now
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize