Don't make out with my wife yet
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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