Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
