I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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