So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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