We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
