allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
