fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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