What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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