Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
