He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
