My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
