complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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