it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
