I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize