Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
