Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
