god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
All I want is dick and wine.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
