question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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