The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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