I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
