We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
