My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
