i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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