Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
