I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
