you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the condom got lost in my hair
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
