Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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