i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
