why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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