id be glad to
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
