while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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