It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
