i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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