craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize