I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
