wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
