We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
