today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
