Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
