I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
