I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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