I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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