bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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