Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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