I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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