I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
