I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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