My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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