I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
