My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize