Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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