Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
