You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
