I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
