These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
