did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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