You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
