I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
