could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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