I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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