I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
