the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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