So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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