so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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