i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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