just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
