some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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