Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
