I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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