last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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