i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
