Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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